retired person
|
| Joo Jonas kapalgat telken,
Anyosa tiprodik lelken,
Jonas ezt nem allja,
Dobozba daralja,
S filctollal rairja:NYELVKREM. |
3.65 |
12345678910
|
| there was a girl at a mall
who had no money at all
so she stole some money
and the police said your arrestd honey
then he said stand against the wall |
3.57 |
A Frenchman, not a broad
|
| Horton had friends to accuse
of drinking all of his booze
After too many rounds
their population abounds
and now they’re all just dirty Whos. |
4.51 |
a big machine
|
| In a fit of pique early last night,
My congressman leapt into sight.
’Twas an impulse so broad,
His constituents were awed.
And limited his term with delight. |
5.23 |
|
| Begone! Wailed a foppish young Scot
To the postman who’d left him a lot
Of catalogs from Bean
And a few odd pristine
Advertisements for tartan cravats. |
5.17 |
|
| A dextrous haberdasher named Runnels
Wrote a check for some felt in the tunnels.
As expected, it bounced,
His bank statement announced.
Bereft of brims, he now hawks tweed funnels. |
5 |
a girl
|
| my friend’s name brat,
ran and ran so fast,
he ran and couldnt stop,
so he fell and hit his head on a pot,
te pot got stucked and he looked like if he had a hat. |
2.82 |
A girl
|
| There once was a boy named Crack
He lived with his Uncle Mack
He collected eggs
On his two leg
Then went home too his brother Jack |
2 |
a he-she
|
| There once was a boy named OJ
he was very gay
he liked to stick boys
while they play with his toys
he sexed them all day
|
2.82 |
A HUGE fan of the Twilight series
|
| There once was a girl named Bella
Who fell in love with a handsome fella
His name was Edward
He was greatly adored
And he loved to sing a capella! |
6.17 |
A kId
|
| There once was a genie.
With a 10 foot weenie.
He showed it to the girl next door.
She taught it was a snake, cut it with a rake.
And now it is 5 foot 4. |
3.85 |
a limerick addict from New Zealand
|
| A southpaw from Paekakariki
decided to get rather freaky.
He jerked off in the sand
with his right, not left, hand
and ended up coming quite weakly. |
4.38 |
A limerick addict from New Zealand
|
| A ravaged old man from Houhora
was shocked to discover some borer
in his small, wizened dick
which resembled a stick
hence why those pests opted to gnaw there! |
3.88 |
AB
|
| There once was a young man of Burley
Who finished his limericks early |
4.63 |
Albert Van Hoogmoed
|
| ”Insect Depression”
There once was an insect that died
from feelings that he kept inside.
With no way to win,
he did himself in
by committing insecticide. |
6.18 |
|
| ”Evicted”
The tenant in three-forty-four
won’t pee in the pool anymore.
Sounds silly to some,
but not when it’s from
his balcony on the third floor! |
5.82 |
|
| ”Bonfire At the Nudist Camp”
One evening they built a big fire.
The flames rose up higher and higher.
Buns were toasted
and weiners were roasted
when folks got too close to the fire. |
5.21 |
alex hetherington
|
| there once was a man from leads
who swallowed a packet of seeds
plants and grass
grew out of his ass
and couldn’t shit for weeds
|
4.78 |
Alfonzo Shagnasti
|
| There once was a man from Leeds
Who ate a package of seeds
And tufts of grass
grew on his ass
and his balls were covered with weeds
|
5.14 |
Alice
|
| The limerick is really quite hard
For many an amateur bard.
For supposing they can
Get the meter to scan
They still need to rhyme that last word. |
6.89 |
|
| There once was a knight-slaying dragon
Who was a too much in love with the flagon.
This one year in May
He did try the AA,
But in June, he fell off the wagon. |
6.04 |
|
| I posted a limerick here.
It was up less than half of a year.
When I Googled one night
It was on a new site,
And no credit was given, I fear. |
6 |
|
| I wish that my room had a floor.
I don’t care so much for a door,
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore. |
5.24 |
Alycia
|
| there once was a man from degrass,
whos balls were constructed of brass
when gangled together
they played stormy weather
and lightning shot out of his ass |
5.6 |
an adolescent (age 17)
|
| I once met a monkey at the zoo
Who reminded me of my Aunt Sue,
She was a little old woman,
In love with the doughman,
Whose love she dare not pursue. |
4.3 |
|
| Little Aunt Sue
Drove her Big Old Blue
All over the town
Dressed in a gown
With flowers of a different hue. |
3.6 |
An old man in Lavour
|
| There was an old man who lived in Lavour
Who had very good flavour
He ate a feast
Of tender meat
But he never does a favour |
4 |
Annomynos
|
| There once was a guy who had a cello.
All he did was lye there mello.
He sat on the couch.
And then said’’ouch.
He sat down again and ate some jello. |
4.23 |
|
| There once was a book called SpiderWick.
If you don’t like it I’ll give you a kick.
So have a heart and do a faver.
Go buy that book from that beaver.
C’ause I like SpiderWick. |
3.52 |
|
| There once was a girl who had a lion.
The lion’s name was a name like Ryan.
The lion was very kind.
Expect when he sat on his behind.
Sooooo please,please,please buy a lion.
|
2.85 |
|
| abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz |
1.33 |
anon
|
| There once was a man.
Who lived in a pan.
He always wore a coat.
Oneday he choked and fliped on a boat,
And couldn’t see stuff agian.
|
3.14 |
Anonymous
|
| There once was a man named Earl
Who got tackled by a girl
He fell on some bricks
Got jumped by some chicks
Now he got beat up by some girls |
4.06 |
ApostateAbe
|
| One morning while feeding my flounder
I lost a whole arm to the bounder
That extra-strength fish food
Put my arm on his dish, dude!
And now he’s considerably rounder |
4.78 |
Apram
|
| There once was a gay named Bloom
Who asked a lesbian to his room.
They argued all night
as to who had the right,
To do what, with which and to whom. |
4.79 |
Astronerd
|
| There once was a man from the sticks
Who liked to compose limericks.
But he failed at the sport,
For he wrote ’em too short. |
5.42 |
|
| There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He answered ’because
I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as ever possibly I can. |
5 |
atrauzzi@gmail.com
|
| A beat schizophrenic said ”Me -
I am not I, I am a tree.”
But another more sane said
”I’m a great dane!”
and covered his pantleg with pee. |
4.88 |
Barry N. Kaplan
|
| The time I spend with Emily
Can only be described as heavenly
One day with a grin
I thought of a sin
And I realized, I think of her quite devilishly |
4.19 |
batmobil
|
| Creating a Limerick ’s easy,
as long as you think a bit sleazy.
If you are real’ slick,
you can make them up quick.
Now you try your luck and please me. |
7.19 |
|
| A young dog from Britain named Gromit,
drank so much beer till to vomit.
Despite he’s so ill,
he climbed up to a hill.
And puked all over the summit |
5.31 |
|
| There once was a young man from berlin,
who thight he was nothing but vermin.
One day came a girl,
which said: ”You look like a pearl.”
But somehow it diddn’t concern him. |
4.16 |
Bill McKeon
|
| My swim coach wears PJs to practice,
But he doesn’t want people to know this,
So he wears a necktie
And when people walk by,
He hopes that they simply won’t notice.
|
4.5 |
bob
|
| Roses are red and violets are purple
if you dont like it then you can just get the fuck out |
2.9 |
Borborygmus
|
| On the breast of a hooker named Gail
Was tatooed the list price of her tail.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille! |
6.24 |
|
| A run-down old floozie named Arden
Was sucking her man in a garden.
When he asked her (quite rough),
”Do you swallow the stuff?”
She answered him (gulp) ”Beg your pardon?” |
6.19 |
|
| There once was a pirate named Bates
Who thought he could boogie on skates
He fell on his cutlass,
And now he is nutless,
And practically useless on dates! |
5.97 |
|
| An epicure dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter ”Don’t shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too!” |
5.82 |
|
| From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles,
Said the vicar ”Good gracious!
Has Father Ignacius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?” |
5.38 |
|
| I’m dating a young Scottish lass,
Who has the most beautiful ass.
Not the kind that you think
(i.e., rounded and pink),
But gray, with long ears, and eats grass! |
5.02 |
Brian Langman
|
| There once was a man from Glen,
Who was so incredibly thin
That when he tried
to drink lemon-ide
He slipped through the straw and fell in. |
4.6 |
bvbvbv
|
| gvhfghgfhnfhcvb |
2.59 |
Byron Bell
|
| A horny old man from Bombay
Fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
Turned it into a brick
And wore all his foreskin away |
5.5 |
|
| The lovely young Queen of Bulgaria
Had a cunt that grew hairier and hairier
Till a prince from Peru
Who came down for a screw
Had to hunt for her box with a terrier |
5 |
|
| Oh pity the Duchess of Kent
Her cunt was so dreadfully bent
The poor wench did stammer
”I need a sledge hammer
To pound a man into my vent” |
4.96 |
|
| A lusty young pair from Abrestwyth
Took grain to the mill to make grist with
But the randy young lass
Pulled him into the grass
And united the organs they pissed with |
4.67 |
Carmela
|
| There was an old man from Spain,
Who had nothing left in his brain.
He studied all night,
but still wasn’t bright.
That dumb old man from Spain. |
3.6 |
Cartman
|
| there once was a dude at school
who thought he was so cool
the chicks thought he was great
and quite a good date
but the dudes think hes lame
|
3.69 |
Catfish
|
| There was a young lady from Tottenham,
Whatever manners she had she’d forgotten ’em.
Whilst having tea with the vicar,
She whipped off her knickers,
Because, she said, she felt hot in ’em |
5.29 |
|
| There was an old man from Australia
Who on his arse had painted a dahlia
The colour was fine
so was the design
But the aroma, I’m afraid, was a failure |
5.24 |
|
| There was an old farmer from Greece
Who did terrible things to his geese
But he went too far with a budgerigar
And the parrot phoned the police. |
4.95 |
|
| there was ayoung lady from Ealing,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling |
4.87 |
charlie
|
| there was a young gaucho called Bruno
who said ” there’s one thing I do know
a woman is fine
a sheep divine
but a llama is numero uno” |
5.74 |
|
| there was a young man called Perkin
who was always jerkin’ his gherkin
his mother said ”perkin
stop jerkin’ yer gherkin
yer gherkin’s fer ferkin’, not jerkin’ ” |
5.43 |
|
| there was a young man from Kings
who wasn’t into girls and things
his most fervent desire
was a boy in the choir
with a bum like jelly on springs |
5.32 |
|
| there was a young queer from Khartoum
who took a lesbian up to his room
they argued all night
as to who had the right
to do what and with which and to whom |
5.28 |
|
| there was a young girl from kampala
who was washing her parts in the parlour
she inserted her coil
with eucalyptus oil
then had sex with a rampant koala |
4.9 |
|
| Eric Cantona
there was a young thug from marseilles
who was fluent at speaking franglais
his command of the vernacular
was less than spectacular
and his sportsmanship - toute suite f.a. |
4.83 |
Clem Stanyon
|
| There was a young man from Pashorn,
who while cruising the web for some porn
found a limerick site,
and exclaimed with delight,
“Well, now I don’t feel so forlorn!” |
4.76 |
Colin Peterik
|
| He’s the time machine man, he goes back in time when he can. He got stung by a bee, so he killed it with glee. He’s the time machine duck. |
3 |
cross
|
| there was a mad man whos love
was so strong that if push came to shove
he would go find a knife
and chop up his poor wife
to protect her from obsessive love. |
4.49 |
curt
|
| I once knew a girl named Joanie.
Most people said she was bony.
I agree she was trim,
perhaps even slim,
she could slip through a straight macaroni! |
6 |
Curt
|
| A frisky, flamboyant young flapper,
once dated a dapper young rapper,
Oh, what a sight,
they went at it all night!
Now she’s sporting a rosy red snapper! |
5.78 |
|
| Some folks go on line to try rhymin’,
who’ve neither the skill nor the timin’,
so the words that they utter
come straight from th gutter.
”They oughta try mimin’,” sez Simon! |
5.63 |
|
| I once gave a quick litte goose,
to a friendly but lonely old moose.
The moose, he was moved -
It seems he approved -
Of that goose to his moose’s coboose |
5.23 |
|
| There once was a young man namned Horace,
who religiously read his thesauras.
He tried all the time
to make up a rhyme,
But his friends all said ”Horace, you bore us”. |
5 |
|
| A young country girl was awful-
fond of a hot Belgian waffle!
She rode down to IHOP,
clippety clop,
and ate till she had her craw full! |
4.89 |
|
| I shucked a dozen clams for bait.
I got up early, I couldn’t wait!
I loaded my gear,
drove down to the pier,
I caught no fish, so the bait-I ate! |
4.59 |
|
| The point of my poem is to say,
that I’d rather be dead than be gay!
The changed a good word,
the new meaning’s absurd!
What’s ”gay” about going astray? |
4.22 |
curt
|
| I took our goat to show and tell,
the goat gave off an awful smell -
The class said ”phew!”
and then said,”you
and your goat can go to hell!” |
4.17 |
CW Students
|
| There once was a room full of monks
All of them looked like such hunks
And then one day
A rock song did play
And now it’s a room full of punks! |
5.41 |
|
| A girl down the street named Lily
Had the habit of being quite silly
’Til one day she quit
After a huge laughing fit
That suffocated and killed cousin Billy |
5.15 |
dan
|
| For days now, we’ve been steamin’
Getting laid is what we’ve been dreamin’
When we reach the shores, we’ll find us some whores
And cover them in semen |
4.37 |
Dave C
|
| A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, ”let us flee!”
”Let us fly!” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue. |
6.11 |
|
| There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night. |
5.84 |
|
| There was a young hunter named Shepherd
Who was eaten for lunch by a leopard.
Said the leopard, ”Egad!
You’d be tastier, lad
If you had been salted and peppered!” |
5.8 |
|
| There once was a man from Peru,
Who dreamed of eating his shoe,
he awoke with a fright,
in the middle of the night,
and found that his dream had come true! |
5.54 |
DeMarcus
|
| there was a man from the east
who was a big hairy beast
until one day
he shaved it away
and thus the hair had ceast |
3.79 |
DL
|
| There once was an angel named Fred
who wasnt too smart in the head
he flew too high in the sky,
and his wings started to fry,
and now hes in hell and is dead. |
4.55 |
Does
|
| When the race for the stars runs its course,
And we invade with a Female Task Force,
Will our sterile embrace
In cold outer space
Be called fucking, or just ”outercourse”? |
6.35 |
|
| It takes little strain and no art
To bang out an echoing fart.
The reason is hearty
When you fart at a party,
But the sensitive persons depart. |
6.25 |
|
| Said a coed from Duke University,
When asked about sexual diversity:
”Screwing’s O.K.,
In the old-fashioned way,
But I do like a touch of perversity.” |
6.04 |
|
| I Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions
I invaded her regions---
I saw, I conquered, I came! |
6 |
|
| ”Indeed”, said an actress named Dix,
”We played safe when we toured in the sticks.
In case men attacked us,
We wore panties of cactus---
Is life just a succession of pricks?” |
5.44 |
|
| A musician who played the bassoon
Complained sex sprees ended too soon.
He got busy on Mary
One cold January,
But gave out on the nineteenth of June. |
4.84 |
|
| The Venusians, out on a mission,
Found Earth in a puzzling condition.
They could understand part
Of our laws and our art,
But got stuck in the fifteenth position. |
4.8 |
|
| There was a young lady named Mudge,
All day long she ate candy and fudge.
Her ass was so fat,
It went splat when she sat,
And no one could get her to budge. |
4.55 |
Donivan
|
| there once was a girl named lizzie
who’s parents made her feel dizzy
to help her relax,
she picked up an axe,
and from then on she kept herself busy |
5.79 |
|
| A cannible name Mickey O’Fife
had a dream about eating his wife,
he awoke with a start,
while eating her heart,
and they gave him 10yrs to Life! |
5.19 |
|
| In the Ireland town of St. Paddy,
there lived a curly headed young laddie,
His father raised sheep,
and his wife got no sleep,
said the boy with a grin, ”That’s my Daaaaaaaaadie”!!! |
4.97 |
|
| A pretty young teen nicknamed ”Rockie”
Loved to cheer for the team who played hockey
It happened last summer,
when she took on all cummers,
and became known as the Queen of Bukkake. |
4.95 |
|
| At a circus in the south I am told,
there’s a lady who is certainly bold,
for the sake of applause,
or else just because,
her act includes a monkey and a pole |
4.64 |
|
| my sister and I love each other,
my sister is in love with her brother,
this is no jest,
for we love our incest,
and now we’re after our mother!! |
4.61 |
doohickey
|
| There once was a man from Bruster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her
It isn’t so grand
If you look at my hand
You ain’t wiping as clean as you used to |
5.38 |
|
| There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived on pig shit and snot
When not having these
She’d eat the green cheese
That she scrapped from the side of her twat |
4.53 |
Doug Harris
|
| Beethoven’s last thought, I suppose
As he lay down his quill and arose:
”It’s not much of a tonic
For a fellow, symphonic
To know that he must decompose”
|
5.52 |
|
| Insults should be subtle, with wit —
Where everyone wonders if it
Is a slight? And I’ll wager
When you shout, ”Parus Major!”
They won’t know they’ve been called a Great Tit!
|
5.18 |
Esta Blood
|
| There once was a young Katmandunik*
Who wore nothing under his tunic
’Til he snagged his left ball
While scaling a wall
And nearly was rendered a eunuch.
*a resident of Katmandu in Nepal |
5.75 |
|
| There once was a man from East Anglia
Whose balls were a tangle of ganglia,
But he achieved fame
When Christmastims came
’Cause they jingled like bells, only janglier. |
5.27 |
|
| There once was a girl named Monica
Who wanted to play Bill’s harmonica,
She gave him a cigar
And said, ”Don’t tell Ken Starr,”
Now guess what Bill gave her for Chanuka... |
5.16 |
|
| There was a young woman named Gretch
Whose boyfriend was short, but no kvetch;
Because she was taller,
Whenever he’d ball ’er
He’d stretch and he’d stretch and he’d stretch. |
5.07 |
|
| While viewing the tomb of King Tut’s,
A man had an itch on his nuts;
He unzipped his fly,
Gave a scratch on the sly,
And hoped no one else saw his putz. |
4.77 |
Evan
|
| There once was a man from China,
who wasn’t a very good climber.
He climed up a rock,
which cut off his cock,
and now he has a vagina. |
4.59 |
|
| There once was a man named Joe,
Who lived with his gay friend Bo.
When Joe asked Bo to go,
Bo just stayed and humped a doe,
Because Bo was a very big hoe. |
3.38 |
For daily dose of limericks go to Jimerick.com
|
| Jimerick.com 1/7/2008
The debates pointed out something strange
Something only one man could arrange
In this divisive political weather
Bush brought both parties together
And has everyone calling for change
|
4.67 |
Giovanni
|
| There was a young lady called Vics -
who mislaid up her arsehole a Twix -
a rectal inspection -
did locate the confection -
now the only things up there are pricks |
5.16 |
|
| A vice both obscene and unsavoury -
Holds the bishop of London in slavery -
with lascivious howls -
he deflowers young owls -
that he lures to an underground avery |
5.14 |
|
| There was a young fellow from Fleet
who developed a fondness for gleet
having had a good felch
he declared with a belch
’My word that has gone down a treat!’ |
4.55 |
Gordon Gwilliams
|
| There was an old man from Portree
Who lived all his life in a tree
He never knew why
No woman of Skye
Would share his life in Portree |
3.69 |
Greg Mathews - A London limerick writer
|
| There was a wild man called Ron White,
Who liked to jump from great heights;
Instead of a chute,
He’d wear springs on his boots,
So he’d land and then bounce out of sight! |
4.98 |
Grins
|
| There once was a man from Peru
who dreamed of eating a gnu
Along came a ewe
I’ll eat one too
If that is allright with you |
3.99 |
high school student
|
| There was a young lady whose looks
Had boys around her way shook
When she turned and said ”Hi”
They all leaped in surprise
And all smacked themselves with books |
4.24 |
|
| There was a young lady whose looks
Had boys around her way shook
When she turned and said ”Hi”
They all leaped in surprise
And all smacked themselves with books |
3.94 |
hilary
|
| There once was a big giant hawk
Who would sit on a branch and gawk
One day the treetop
Made a big `ker-plop`
And with a thud he fell on the sidewalk |
3.93 |
hosontz@aol.com
|
| A horny young girl of Iraq.
Preferred being poked from the back.
”That way,’ said she,
”My hands are still free
To partake of a nourishing snack.” |
5.35 |
|
| There was s young man from Durango,
Who attemped to do ther fandango.
During his try
His spur went awry;
And snipped off the tip of his whango. |
5.09 |
I’m revolting.
|
| There once was a student of stencil
whose favorite limb was prehensil.
To impress the schoolmarm,
with a chair on each arm
he’d kneel and pick up her pencil. |
5.06 |
idk:)
|
| There was a pickle
Who liked to tickle
But he was shy
just like a pie
But he liked popsicles:) |
3.07 |
ikrkxfh
|
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2.46 |
Jack Morton
|
| There once was a pirate named bates
Whomade all his raids on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practicaslly useless on dates |
5.49 |
JC
|
| ’Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
|
5.82 |
|
| there once was a couple named Kelly
who walked around belly to belly
because in their haste
they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly |
5.67 |
|
| There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, ’It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!’ |
5.16 |
|
| There was a young girl from Australia,
who painted her cunt like a Dahlia.
At 5 pence a smell,
it was all very well,
but 10 pence a lick was a failure. |
4.96 |
|
| There was an Old Lady of Chertsey,
Who made a remarkable curtsey;
She twirled round and round,
Till she sunk underground,
Which distressed all the people of Chertsey. |
4.45 |
jenkins!
|
| Four monkeys from western Spain
Like to eat fish in the rain.
though the dish was insane
it didn’t cause ’em no pain
so they ate it again, and again.
|
4.22 |
Jim from JIMERICK.COM
|
| Why are tears upon Hillary’s face
Are they from Obama’s success in the race
Or does she cry because Bill, he’s
so horny still and she’s
Stuck between Barack and a hard place |
5.05 |
Jimerick.com
|
| OJ looked like a sullen old twit
When the judge doubled bail in a fit
So much press on this crime
Is it because the last time
He got off though we all know he did it |
4.54 |
|
| Looks like OJ committed more crime
But Johnnie Cochran is dead, the slime
So if the new accusations fit
Then OJ, we will NOT acquit
And you won’t get off again this time |
