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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
6.14
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!". The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
6.11
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, Chris, he went to the store." "Well, do you mind if I wait?" "No, come on in. They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one. Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together." Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
6.08
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.
6.05
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove". "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good". "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again". "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing". "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love". "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
6.03
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
5.94
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."
5.93
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
5.89
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
5.89
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
5.88
At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch". The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."
5.82
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
5.81
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden. The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
5.8
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
5.69
Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie. Mickey (stunned): Why not? Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy. Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fucking Goofy!
5.67
There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"
5.65
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take theclub out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
5.65
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
5.57
Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know." Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?" With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman. "Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked. Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"
5.53
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking. The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
5.47
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: Has to work hard Has to work at great depths Has to work upside down Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work Has to work in a high humidity environment Has to work at high temperatures Does not get weekends and holidays off Does not get time off after extra hours of work Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness Request denied for the following reasons: Does not work 8 hours in a row Does not answer immediately to all requests After a short activity period, falls asleep at work Shows no fidelity to the workplace Retires too early Does not work at all unless pushed from behind Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work Sometimes leaves work, too early
5.46
This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms. The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants. The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms". So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know. So the lady asks him to pull down his pants. The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms" So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action. So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms" The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know" So the lady asks him to pull down his pants . When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"
5.46
There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night. Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "what happened to your toes?" He says "I had toelio". She says "you mean Polio", but he said, "no, toelio". Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says "what happened to your knees?" He says "I had Kneaseles". And she says "you mean Measles" and he says "no, Kneaseles". Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess...small cox?"
5.39
There were women waiting in a doctor's office. They started talking and one women said, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I'm going to have another girl." One of the other ladies said, "I'm going to have a boy, I was on the top." The last lady started to cry. The two other ladies asked, "Why are you crying?" She replied, "I'm going to have puppies!!!
5.13
What’s the difference between a blonde and a crack dealer? A Blond can wash her crack and sell it again
8.5
What’s the difference between a blonde and a crack dealer? A Blond wan wash her crack and sell it again
8.5
A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at the hospital. He turns up 2 days later with an empty jar. Nurse asks why no sample? He says sorry but tried with my right hand then left hand, then my wife tried with both hands, then with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out, then we got Ethel from next door to try. But it was no good, we just couldn’t get the fucken lid off.
6.03
Man’s wife was in a coma. Not much hope. One day the staff told him they noticed she seemed to respond whilst they were bathing around her private parts and wondered if he would be willing to try oral sex with her. He said ”sure”. Curtains were pulled but in a short while all alarm bells went off. Doctor asked him, ”What happened in there?” Man said, ”I don’t think she can swallow!”
5.78
An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. ”Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!” she said. The French girl opens her bra, ”the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!” she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says ”f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!”
5.71
A slip of the tongue can be so embarrassing. When I asked the beautiful salesgirl for a ticket to Pittsburgh, what came out was a ”picket to Titsburg”. That’s nothing. The other day I asked my wife to pass the salt and ended up saying, ”You bitch, you ruined my life!”
5.38
a lady walks into a store with 2 kids. there is a guy in there and he asks the lady if the children are twins. the lady says no ones 15 and a boy and ones 2 and a girl how can you possibly think theese kids are twins. and the guy says well your so fucking ugly i couldn’t imagine you getting fucked 2 times.
5.36
Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about ”Timbuktu”. The priest began: ”I was a father, all my life, had no children, had no wife. I read the Bible, through and through. On my way to Timbuktu.” Everyone in the Audience already believed him the winner. Then the Australian told his version: ”When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two!”
5.1
What are the four worst things about being an egg? You only get hard once You only get laid once You only get eaten once The only one who sits on your face is your mother
5.04
Two muslim families come to Australia a few days before Australia day. One of the Muslims says” I bet, we can be more Australian than you by the time Australia Day comes”. ” Right your on”. So, Australia Day comes and the two families meet together. The First muslim family says” Gday mate, my sheilas gone in the ute to get some the grog from the bottle shop and some steaks for the barbie”. One of the second muslim family member says” Fuck you Towel head”.
4.97
Did you hear about the new morning-after birth control pill for men? It doesn’t do anything about the baby; it just changes your bloodtype.
4.96
one day there was two women going to s bar they ask for a cofee then the drunk guy comes up next to them and graps them both on the ass and says why a coffee what about a beer oh yeah coz you want the strong feeling.
4.53
I went over to my mates house and noticed a condom on top of his TV. I questioned why and my mate said ”the condom is to remind me of the prick that stole my video”
4.28
what do you call a bunch of black people swimming in the ocean? An oil spill!
4.07
q)why did they invent chocolate? a)so white people can be black too!!!
3.87
she drowned in the back of a car but kennedy had swam so far the current was rough the challenges tough and now he can’t pass a bar
3.84
What do you call a gay Indian? A brave cock sucker.
3.71
Alex
Why do black people have flat noses? God stepped on their face when he pulled off their tail.
4.63
An Australian who was smitten by Elli Schauble from South West Germany
There is a poor man from Italy named Nogar Raphie , after winning the lottery Nogar Raphie can no longer be called Poor Nogar Raphie .........pornography .
4.1
An Australian who was smitten by Elli Schauble from South West Germany
Teachers warn children about ” Stranger Danger ” .......that’s allvery well . But yes butt have you noticed when watching the news , that when the police do a major child pornography crackdown............they arrest a lot of teachers .
4.43
An Australian who was smitten by Elli Schauble from South West Germany .
There was an Australian stage play called ” Puppetry of the Penis ” . The sequel to this play shall be ” Problems of the Prostrate ” , which ends happily with cancer .
3.77
An Australian who was smitten by Elli Schauble from South West Germany.
In the year 1848 Karl Marx and Freidrich Engels published a book entitled ” Communist Manifesto ” . If Karl Marx and Freiderich Engels were honest men , their book would have been called...............” Red Bull ” .
4.11
Andrew
Why do we pity the atheist? Because he has no one to talk while receiving a blowjob. Why was the Amish girl excommunicated? Too Mennonite.
4.67
anonomys
What animal has a dirty smelly stupid rotting cunt on its back? A police horse
4.32
Brett
A man saw a sign that said any flavor ice cream so the dirty bastard swaggers up and says do you have any pussy flavor? the salesman looks at him for a second and says sure i will just go whip it up . The cheeky prick gets his ice cream and gives it an almighty lick AAAHHH this tastes like shit . The sales man smiles and says you must of taken too big of a lick!
5.32
Brisco
Whats the difference between a postitute and boongie jumping? Nothing both cost alot of money and if the rubber breaks you are dead!!
5.61
Q.When u see a ghost who do u call. A.Ghostbusters Q.When u see a fire who do u call. A.Fire department Q.When u see a white man with a big dick who do u call. A. Ripleys believe it or not
5.4
bryan counts
suck my dick bitch
3.57
by the one and only big FAT ugly bitch
q)why did the chicken cross the rode? a)because he wanted to get blew away by a simi
4.19
Didaskalos (poster at www.boychat.org)
Re: http://www.cblf.org/messages/51044.htm Dakota, attracted to pics Built a prison of boy-picture bricks. Then he traded his Orgasm For Iconoclasm... Hallelujah! He’s found the quick fix! ---Didaskalos
3.39
foxfire
A man bought a pair of undies form woolworths and found them to be too small. He returned to the store the next day and approached the cashier. ”I bought some undies here yesterday but they’re a bit small.” The cashier replied, ”Bring them back and we’ll exchange them.” The man was already wearing them so he said, ”But I came in them.” The cashier replied,”I don’t care if you shit in them just bring them back!”
4.98
Greg
There was an odd person called Dan, Who smacked his own head with a pan. To get rid of the pain, He removed his own brain, And that was the end of poor Dan.
3.64
There was a young woman called Honor Who had a curse put upon her Although it sounds silly She turned into a chilli and got eaten up in a donna
3.48
John
Q: What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octupus? A: I don’t know, but it sure picks strawberries good!
4.32
John Howard
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some Marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and said do you wanna? Jill said ’Yes’, pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
5.28
Justin M
A man wants to get a wild gift for his girlfriend, Wendy, so he decides to get a tattoo. The tattoo artist convinces him to get his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his johnson. After it was all done, the man looks at it and asks ”How come it only says ’Wy’?” He answers ”Well when you get an erection, you’ll see ’Wendy’.” Later, the man goes to the Men’s room and sees a black man at the urinal. On his penis is tattooed ”Wy.” The man asks ”Oh, is your girlfriend’s name Wendy, too?” He says ”No, my tattoo says ’Welcome to Jaimaica, Mon, have a nice day’.”
5.77
A man meets an old friend just after he had a sex change. The man asks, ”Didn’t it hurt when they chopped off you Johnson?” The friend said, ”Not really. As a man trapped in a woman’s body, it was a load off.” ”Well did the hormonal drugs or any of the reconstructive surgery or anything hurt at all?” ”No. The only discomfort I had is when they stuck a vacuum in my head, and sucked out half my brains.”
4.68
Kick her in the cunt!
How do you baby proof a house?
3.8
maria poirrier
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.’’Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.’’’’That must have hurt,’’ said the judge.’’No kidding,’’ said the best man. ’’I broke three of my fingers.’’
5.7
matt
1. How is a penis like a Rubrics Cube? – The more you play with it the harder it gets 2. How is Disney World like Viagra? – You have to wait 20 minutes for a five minute ride. 3. How is Paris Hilton in her sex video similar to a car in an accident? – They both get rammed from behind. 4. How is woman like a tornado? – They moan like hell when they come and afterwards they take the house away. 5. How is a woman like a police car? – They both make noise to let you know they’re coming. 6. How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? – Burger King forgot to wrap its whopper. 7. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? – A cherry float. 8. Why do they make glow-in-the-dark condoms? – So gay people can play Star Wars. 9. What is the speed limit of sex? – 68, at 69 you have to turn around. 10. How is Michael Jackson like Wal-Mart? – Boys pants are half-off. 11. When is it midnight at Michael Jackson’s house? – When the big hand touches the little one. 12. Did you hear that air is like sex? – Yeah, it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any. 13. Why do they call it PMS? – Mad-cow was already taken. 14. A doctor calls his patient and tells him that he has bad and worse news. “What’s the bad news?” he asks first. The doctor says he has twenty-four hours to live. “Then what the hell is the bad news?!” he yells. And the doctor says: “I forgot to call you yesterday.” 15. Superman walks on the beach one day and sees Wonder woman totally naked. “Hey, they say I’m faster than a bullet and twice as fast” he thinks to himself. So he does her in a flash and flies away without anyone noticing. Wonder Woman gets up with a confused look on her face. “What was that?” she asks. Then the Invisible Man gets off her says: “I don’t know but it hurt like hell!”
5.91
Matt
How is Viagra and Disney world simalar? You have to wait twenty minutes for a five minute ride.
4.93
MICHELLE
WHAT DID THE BANNA SAY TO THE VIBRATER? WHY ARE YOU SHAKEN SHE IS GOING TO EAT ME FIRST
5.31
Nikki
once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, ”Please stop plumbing, I think someone’s coming!” Said he, ”Yes I know love, it’s me.” y the see
4.56
peckerhead
Do you know what’s 12 inches long and full of maggots? John Holmes dick.
4.16
Sexi Bum
A little girl is lost in a supermarket.The manager see’s her and decides to help her. He asks ”Whats your mum like” the little girl replies, ”Big cocks and bourbon”
6.15
spittindickie
What did the girl with big tits say to the sex fiend? ”Tell the front of your pants it’s not polite to point.” What did he say back ? ”My prick is VERY polite----he stood straight up when you walked into the room!
4.99
q: Why did the girl with big tits get a job at the bakery? a: Cuz she was good at making banana cream.
4.59
Steve
WHy doesn’t mexico have an olympic team? Cuz all the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the U.S.
4.8
steveo
Why did they invent whit chocolate? so black kids could have adirty face to.
4.86
Tann
A 16 year old girl wants to borrow her stepfathers car, and when she asks him he says ” only if you suck my dick!” So the girl goes down on her stepdad, when she finally comes up she says, ” Damn, your dick tastes like shit!!!” The stepdad then replies,” Oh yeah, I forgot! I let your brother borrow the car tonight!!!!”
5.18
A little girl was up early one morning, running around playing. She stopped in front of her mothers door and says mommy what are those, pointing to her mothers chest? Her mother replies these are my breasts sweetie. Then the little girl asks when will i get some? Her mother replies when u get older you’ll get em’. The little girl giggles and runs off playing again, this time she stops in front of the bathroom door where her step dad is and she asks him daddy what is that? pointing at the mans penis. Her step dad replies this is my penis sweetie. And the girl asks when will i get one of those? Immidiatly the man says.........” As soon as your mom goes to work!!!”
4.64
victor
a little girl walks down the hall. she looks in a doorway, sees her mother naked, points to her tits and says ”mommy when do i get some of those?” her mother says ”in about 10 years when you grow up” she walks down the hall farther looks in another doorway, sees her father naked points to his penis and says ”daddy when do i get one of those? ”her father says to her ”in about 5 minutes when your mother leaves baby!”
5
zac bennet
Q)Wat do you say to a floating television in the dark? A)drop it nigga
3
Copyright 2006
David R Collett
